It's been a horrible week. I never know if it's over or not. I never know if I want it over or not. I've come to the place where I've take the step to end it, and it's still not enough, it's still not over. It feels like it's over now, but who know what the morning will bring.
I'm in a tent. On beach. A cool breeze refreshes the moist skin. I'm happy and calm here, even though I am alone and she is extremely angry at me. I don't like the feel of sand on the skin, but what can you do, just enjoy the breeze. My daughter Z hates sand on the skin. We pour bottles of mineral water over her feet before she gets into the tent, only for her to scream at the sand that somehow found it's way into the tent. You can't be on the beach without sand, even in the food. Somehow Z's boundaries (her skin) are extruciatingly sensitive. She feels like an extreme version of me, and I seem to be extreme enough as it is.
That woman that she makes love to is here, on the beach. This is a kindergarden gathering with all the kids, so of course she would be here.
I was in a terrible state arriving here. Partly because I didn't want to see this woman nor her husband, but mainly because I made some insensitive remarks on the drive up. She said that Z wants to sleep with this woman's children in the same tent. So I made the joking remark that she could sleep with her lover. It was actually a joke. Later she said that she bought a new swim suit. I ask if it was sexy. She said yes. I felt my arousal. Then made a stupid remark, you bought it for her? After a few minutes of silence, she said that she doesn't want me to put her down this way. I wasn't putting her down, but she's right, it wasn't respectful to say those things.
I reached the point where in order to deal with the pain of rejection and being left out, I try to accept that I should try to find my satisfaction somewhere else rather than waiting like a victim for things to change. Dating, fuck buddies, whatever they call it. I have never been there, I don't really want to be there, I think that I mix love and sexuality to easily to go there. But it was suggested to me that if I want to preserve the family and everything the couple has fought for, then maybe this is a temporary solution. And so I try to put myself in a different frame of mind: she's in love and making love to another woman, she's rejecting me during this time, showing me now affection, so let's just find what I'm missing somewhere else. Like it falls from trees - yeah, right. I'm not so bad looking, but neither am I full of testosterone confidence. Women don't fall flock around me. But, let's give it a try. And so I try to be light and end up belittling the experience that my woman is having. This experience represents something momentus in her life. She never dared like this before. And here I am portraying it as a bit of light sexuality. I know, it's crass. But I'm hurting, really hurting bad, and these comments are what sneaks through when I'm trying to be ok.
So she put me in my place. And then I felt my pain. That pain of not being taken care of. It's ok for her to have sex with this woman today and it's ok that she has rejected me these last weeks, hell, these last seven years. And that our relationship should continue because she thinks that I'm her soul mate. Her soul mate? I feel like I've given so much and receive so little in return. Maybe I receive on the spiritual level - the evolution level - but my heart needs something too. Doesn't every heart need something? Isn't that what she's doing with this woman? Re-energizing her heart. And me, what about my heart? I want you to love my heart, I don't want another woman. You arrive today at my office with our so beautiful children. And you are the most beautiful of them all. And suddenly I feel inadequate, that I'm not man enough to love you physically, that's why you go else where? I doubt it, but I felt strongly for the first time that I'm not enough for you.
I arrived on the beach with this pain. With the lonely sun setting. I don't want to be here. All these parents here. That woman is here. Her husband here. Me, the over-emotional one, is here. My daughter puts a foot in the sand and she wants to go home. My partner has disappeared down the beach with the bag of clothes. And I'm here with a screaming daugher and my one year old worldly daughter. For a moment I remind myself that I knew this was a bad idea, but then I decide to sit it out and be here with Z.
We brought Z up in our lonely world. We didn't go out much. Z was breast fed for two and a half years. My woman suffered. She's breast feeding our second now at one year and two months. She still suffers. She looks so frustrated. Z and her are still so attached. The only thing that saves her is a spiritual group that she attends each week.
Z was in no good mood this evening. She hates the beach. At some point she wanted to go to bed. We took her to the tent. The sand was a difficult ordeal. At some point my partner exploded, she want's Z to be able to suddenly sleep near the party. I tell her harshly to hold her anger, that if she want's to go and party, she can do that, but accept who our daughter is. Now she's silently livid towards me. I get my daughter to sleep and I tell her to go and have a good time.
So she's gone. I make my angry speech to the sea. You can't sit there all night doing nothing while I hold my one year old daughter and pay attention to Z and suddenly expect that they want to sleep there on the floor with the noise. Just because you are so frustrated and want to have some fun in your life, you can't expect that it will just pop out of thin air. I know how frustrated it is. But don't disappear on me like this. Grow up. You are their mother, whether you like it or not. I know how frustrated you are, believe me, I can see it. But don't get angry at Z. Accept her for who she is, in your image, in our image, and let's make the small changes that will enable her to grow.
I was really angry there and I showed it. I feel she's escaping, disappearing. And at the same time, I don't understand. She has the beautiful love affair with this woman and a spiritual group that fulfills her and yet she's seems even less tolerant of reality. Why? Maybe I can understand.
Anyway, she's off with the adults. And instead of feeling, miserable, I'm happy for her. And I'm happy to be here alone with the sound of the sea. But I would be happy if I was more loved. And maybe I'm accepting more that I can't go through life always being loved. Even if I have a feeling I have gone through 40 years not being loved enough. Maybe she is right after all. Maybe I shouldn't need to be loved, I should be stable enough that me is enough, or at least not shaken, when all there is is me. But I think that's going to far. And besides, that's a whole different topic.
Good night.
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