Staying home

It's been a long time since the last post.

She came back that night to the tent. I was just finishing the post. There was no anger in me. I was happy there alone on the beach. I expected that it was over after the anger that I threw at her.

We moved my daughter Z to the tent and settled down.

Then she said, "This is where I want to be".

She was stoned. And when she's stoned, I know that she sees things more clearly. And so I believed her. I melted.

It's been a long heavy month or two. I let life continue, ignoring the obvious question of whether I really want to be here. Work was challenging and stressful. I stopped looking at personal email (well, nothing new there). Panic attacks started up. Tough energy in the body. Started taking some old anti-anxiety tablets every two days. I felt really lonely. My heart was closed. It was only in the last two weeks that I started expressing the anger of what I went through. She didn't take it so well and definitely I didn't get any sympathy that might make me melt again. She's not a watery person, like she says. So why did I end up with a hard dried up woman when what I seem to crave is exactly the kind of feeling she seems to have for this other woman? Who knows. Definitely I lost a lot of my own love in this ordeal. By I don't stay out of convenience. Apparently a lot of people do, or at least couples with kids. Not me, or at least, I hope not. There is something that feels that she actually might be my best friend, either because there is some kind of inexplicable connection here or simply because history permitted me to go beyond so many of my limitations with another human being. I don't know, I haven't work this out yet. Even if Heidi stood on my doorstep right now, I don't think I would run away. So something is hold me here.

We saw the woman at the Jewish new year party. I was ok there but afterwards we had a bout of arguments. I guess I felt it, she wants to start again. And somehow I got to the point where I was able to find and express what I felt deep in me: there is not enough love in this relationship right now to permit another relationship. That was my truth. And expressing it opened my heart. I still haven't learnt that when you can express what you are and put your borders without question, you're a happier person. Even if you lose a couple because of it. I was certain that this would be the end by expressing that, knowing how much she is also attracted to the other side. But no, it brought closeness.

So here I am. Exhausted from parenting. Exhausted from badly managed stress at work. Next to zero time for a couple. Panic attacks. Bad energy in the body. Struggling. Suffering. Life isn't worth it. And now I've taken a few days holiday at home. I doubt that I can find me in that time. But its nice to be home.

 

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