I move in mysterious ways.

I grew up in the smallest of towns.

Then I was dropped into a huge city. I never really adapted.

I can remember the fear or the shame of walking on the main streets and thinking that everyone was watching me, me with the old-fashioned, home hair-cut, second-hand clothes and the absolute belief of total unhandsomness - pale skin, dark marks under the eyes.

I remember not feeling well every time I went downtown or into a mall. I didn't know it was anxiety. It wasn't until I got frightened of dying of a heart-attack that it became debilitating, a physical nightmare, clostrophobic.

And only after I had my first "official" panic attack, after my only friend - my grandfather - had passed away, did I start making my own huge movements across this globe.

Every movement to a new place brings a resurgence of fear. Every holiday location, every business trip, has been a nightmare, managed only by anti-anxiety pills or anti-depressors. Yet I have always moved, I love moving, but I have suffered and I don't really know why.

My last business trip to San Francisco, half way across the world, was the first trip I did without a pill. I can't say I was well, but I wasn't drowning.

Two months later, and I'm drowning here in beautiful Austin. I always thought that it was the people who frightened me, but my confidence with people has sky-rocketed this last year. I can be anxious in a crowd and not need to run away. I can be anxious and deal with people confidently. The only place that I'm better is at home, in the hotel room, in the office.

Things seemed to have improved these last months. I could walk into a mall in Israel and not feel too uncomfortable. However, it's all very delicate. And so I find myself in Austin, full of fear, disappointed that I can't do this without a pill, panic slowly creeping in as I walk around downtown.

I don't know what it is. I don't know what I'm frightened of or angry at. Maybe I just can't bare the loneliness.

I wish I would find out soon. I want to just feel good for once when I travel.

This is where I am.

 

 

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