What is love?

Yesterday night, the bubble burst. All the pain of Austin sobbed out of me. She was gentle with it.

Somehow the conversation wound its way back to the same place, something in her that needs the relationship open in some way that still isn't clear.

I closed my heart. I hardly slept. Everything in me was screaming, I don't want this, I don't want an open relationship, I'm not made that way.

I had a horrible day. And on this day, the most unusual thing happened. Three people reached out to me. I read the email of my only long-term pen-friend from a small town in Switzerland and she made me feel cared for in a way I never thought possible through writing. A colleague gave me a beautiful perspective on the situation and ended with the warmest hugs. And the pilot that I have written flight simulator programs for as a hobby came and had lunch with me after months that we have not seen each other and for the first time, it was the most warmest contact that I have had, fatherly. I hold this believe that I am a lonely fool who keeps away from people, and here I am blessed with people with such good hearts who listen to my heart.

Calm came.

I drove back home after work ready to tell Mon Amour that I can't take this any more, that I can't live in any kind of open relationship right now, that I feel disrespected that she continues her experience with this woman when I am not ready, that I have reached the point where I am ready to leave.

I saw her and all I felt was love and in that moment, I let everything else go.

She encouraged me to sleep and I slept next to my baby daughter, the greatest little creature that this world has to offer.

I woke up around 11pm. She was out in the kitchen. I wanted to make love to her. But the timing didn't feel right as I stepped out. We had a simple contact. I could feel how she is working hard to not lose herself. Love needs a lot of patience. I'm so typically impatient and exigent.

I finished the film that I started watching on the plane, Salmon fishing in the Yemen. The end brought me to heart renching tears. "Do you need an assistant Dr Jones? ... an assistant? ... a P A R T N E R? ... a partner? Yes Miss Jepwort Tolbert, more than anything". I sat against the fire place, head resting on the top, eyes closed, chest open, sobbing like a silly romantic with a real pain.

I have a partner. I just don't know where her heart is.

And I love her.

And I don't understand anything about love.

And sitting there on the floor with the film credits rolling and the music filling my body, I felt alive, open with all this pain. And most of all, in the pain, I felt, I am me, even if no-one else is here, I am me.

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