It's two in the morning. The number of sleepless nights accumulates. She sleeps, no matter what. But I keep going, hoping to find some consolation, something to make me believe that this will turn out well. I want to know NOW NOW NOW. I can't let go until I have this one worked out or until I slip into sleep between the crack of two un-answerable arguments or until my heart gives in and the love creeps back. There is no solution at this late hour, so Iogic, and Budha's teachings, say to let it go. But I'm wrestling with myself and my belly quivers and the bouts of anger wrench me from bed. Enough, I can't sleep. I'm hurting bad. There is no solution in this state, except to run. But for seven years I have been unable to run and I don't understand why. I used to run easily, but this time I'm not. I wish I could. I don't understand why. When is enough enough? Never. Right now, it's enough. Right now I've had enough. And the answer is still never. I hate it. I hate that I have no control over the answer.
I have lived what is clinically called a "sexless" couple for seven years. She always rejected me in that way. At first I thought that it was because I have so much fear. And when I did finally make it inside her, there was pain like I have never known. My pain, her pain? I have no idea. It definitely didn't feel like mine, at least not emotional pain having sex. Then again, there is enough pain in my life, so maybe it was mine. I sensed her lack of interest, her limpness, from the beginning. Maybe that's what was painful - I already knew what was coming.
I moved the world to be close to her. I was so in love with her. From the moment I set eyes on her. And for once in my life, I think that I saw the person, as opposed to the self love. I knew that I was heading for trouble and this is probably why I put a big rock in my heart when I changed continents to live with her. We started our personal evolving together, our spiritual growth. But at first we were a mess. I have no idea why we stayed together. She pushed me away sexually every time I came close to her. She would shudder and turn away. I would freeze, not knowing what to do, what I did wrong. She would sleep. I would lie awake, body full of fear. Eventually she threw me out. That's why I had so much fear. I broke down weeping a dog's bark and for some reason, probably pity, she kept me. I remember that I had my ticket booked to return and when she kept me, a small voice said, go anyway and let the wind decide things. If I went, that was it. So I stayed. I wanted her too much. Why? Only the soul knows. I've always had the strength to leave. But not this time. I wish someone would tell me why.
Nothing really improved until just before my daughter Zoe was conceived. I discovered real therapy and it revolutionized my life. Have my own opinion. That was the message. I changed many things in my life on the wings of those words (well, after one of those heart-wrenching therapy sessions that you only see in movies). And then I let anger lose in her face for the first time, probably the first time in my life, and suddenly my heart was full of love. That's how Zoe was created.
She said parenting was our connection. I guess I'm a great father, but I don't really see why that helped her love me more. Or maybe I can see it but refuse it because I wanted her physical love. I actually got tired of being hurt every time I made an advance so I resolved to reduce my sexual desire. That made life easier but after some time, the frustration showed. Frustration made me less subtle in my advances and so she took the sex away completely. That was the crisis. It happened after my first business trip since having Zoe. I came back and she told me that she had discovered she could cope on her own and probably didn't need me. The shit hit the fan. We argued so much. Expressing anger took the anxieties away. It made us closer, much to my amazement. I started massaging her in the evening and that is how Hopi was created, another beautiful and rare sex moment in our lives together.
We left sex hanging in the wind after Hopi was created. Not that it mattered - life was full of other complications such as unemployment, new job, birth, moving house, bad job, new job. It wasn't until she announced to me that she was seeing a woman that I woke up. She always said that she had this thing for woman, but given the kind of violence that she experienced from her father in her childhood and a possible rape incident with arab boys when she was ten, I kind of figured that it was more of an escape than anything else. I actually handled it very well the night she announced it. A week later I started exploding. And I started going through the horrible roller-coaster of feeling hurt, despair and the high waves of love.
She gave me the most beautiful sex of my life. And that was a month ago. My heart was full of so much love and physical desire. And it keeps on being beat down. Dealing with the hurt and jealousies of the love affair going on under my nose. Feeling neglected. She blocks any sexual energy unless we're in a situation where it can never go to sex. My heart breaks. I start to trust less. She won't stop the affair for me. I don't want to deprive her of this important experience. I finally bring all my anger and she agrees to see a sex therapist, she who loathes the talking therapies. Then I understand how open this question of woman is and my fear puts me in the movie where she might leave me any moment now. So I tell her to sort herself out first. She's hurt and when she's hurt, all the doors are closed for a week at least.
Finally tonight I get the sex therapist back on the table because I don't see how else this is going to work. And now I'm tormented. She admits that she's not attracted to me. That blows my ego away, especially after all these years of rejection. What's the point of a therapy if your woman isn't attracted to you while meanwhile she's exploring her sexuality else where with a woman? Is it just me or is it something deeper going on here? She's had more passion for other men, but she hides too much to know what to extract from that admission - we all hold onto some sexual experiences in the past where somehow we were different. Still, my gut screams. I can't stand the feeling knowing that she's not attracted to me. It would be better to be thrown out than kept as a mouse to toy with. She says, get over it, we both have our touchy child sexual histories that makes us bang our heads against each other and we can work on it. And I felt positive about seeing the therapist last week. But tonight I keep on hearing it: she's not attracted to me sexually. Not that there is anything new in this admission. I remember when we were fighting two years ago before Hopi was created, she even admitted that she didn't like my uncircumcised dick! I have no idea why I keep on going and I have no idea why she keeps on insisting with me when she knows that she can find something more suitable than me. Why struggle so much? Because I'm an amazing father? Can't be. I hope not - I don't want her staying with me for that. I want her to stay with me because she loves me and she wants me physically.
When is enough enough? When there are no more lessons to learn? I have one more lesson to learn (who am I kidding, I have thousands). Maybe this one is the hardest. When I was a boy, I got into trouble for playing you-show-me-yours-if-I-show-you-mine. Police trouble. I was in a small Catholic village, so you can understand how this didn't go down too well. I carry the fear to this day. If my woman brings sex, then I'm fine. But I don't know how to take my sexual energy and excite my woman. I always did it indirectly, meekly. She doesn't stand for that. What do I need to learn? To bring my sexuality.
I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I hate that life doesn't ever let up on me. I feel so far far away from the love and the joy I felt making love to her a month ago. Once we're in it, we're good. But getting there is next to impossible. She ignores and I frustrate until I can't stand it any longer.
And now I exhaust myself worrying how much longer this is going to last. I cried so much today. And no-one can do anything about it because it's still not enough to run. Something deep inside wants to believe that we can make something out of this. Something deep inside wants to be back inside her. I love her when I'm there. I feel strong.
So close and yet so far away. I hope we get there.
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