Just let go!

I woke up to the sound of Hopi hitting the floor in the kitchen. She didn't cry too long so I stayed in bed! I guess I got about 3 hours sleep after my last post. I used to go through major panic attacks over lack of sleep, but now I take it in my stride. Such be the fruits of early morning training with kids. This also makes International business travel to the States comfortable.

The left side of my belly vibrated away with the remnants of last night's fear. I worked a few techniques to make the energies flow better. When I sat up, I knew the second part of a decision that I started to make one week ago. One week ago I realized that she wasn't going to stop this woman experience because of my hurting. She says she has this open question about woman, which of course I interpreted to mean that she would announce any day now that she intends to go to live with a woman. My decision one week ago was to admit that I have no idea what she means by this open question. And I don't think she has much of an idea either. So instead of going around in circles trying to get clarity, I decided to accept that I can't control the future and to let it be. That helped a lot, and a friend gave me the rational: if I was starting to experiment with homosexual behavior, would I know immediately which way I wanted to go? Probably not. This morning's decision was along the same lines: I probably put the words "you're not attracted to me" in her mouth. What is really going on for her? I have no idea and I suspect that it's not so clear for her either. So why beat about the bush trying to understand something that can't be understood clearly? Better off letting it be. Better off not trying to control the situation. Better off living without too much thinking.

I had no love in me this morning. She tried to be close when she saw my state. She asked for me to be open. I told her I'm hurt by her and I can't be open. I don't know how I learnt to be so direct and accepting of my moods. Probably from living with a really moody woman!

I did the shopping and that picked me up. I love being on my own these days. I can talk it out in the car. I can shout in the car. And that transforms everything. That's the great breakthrough in my therapy. The thing that reduced the anxieties to virtually nothing. Evacuate the anger, don't surpress it. For some time I needed the anger to go to the person, but now it looks like I've learnt that it's enough to just get it out for my own auditian.

This afternoon, I was back to normal, feeling close to her. Experimenting with this new awareness of sexual energy in the body. Did it get me anywhere? No, but it felt good and free.

Tomorrow I'm 41. Not that I care about birthdays, such an artificial concept. I always get out of town so the family can't make a fuss over it. Tomorrow we're traveling up north to camp on the beach. It's the worst year of my life. And it's forcing me to learn to let go, to stop trying to control what others are thinking. I don't think she knows more about the future than I do. She definitely doesn't know where she stands sexually, but for the rest she's really clear, I'm the one. So if I can make a wish for this year, it's to be sexually brave and learn from my mistakes instead of living with a wounded ego every time I get rejected.

He's a shot of Sambuca to me, lit in my mouth, gulped down and delivery to the brain 5 seconds later. I made it to 41. I never really thought I would make it after going through all those years of anxiety. Goodbye anxieties. I don't need you any more. I've got me in the driving seat. And now I'm letting the car drive itself because I've had enough going around in circles trying to understand what is going on with her!