Burden

For my whole life, or at least the part that started with the move back to a big city at the age of 12, I have insisted that I am boring. And using the principle of reflection, it may also be true that I find people boring. I noticed that sometimes, but generally its when I’m angry about the world that I will think this. It’s truer to say that I have rarely entertained a regular friendship out of a strong belief that I will bore the other person and thus have to deal with the hurt of rejection. Every time. So I avoid it. And I especially avoid phone calls of a personal nature because there is always a point that I don’t know what else to say and the deadly silence frightens the hell out of me.

I learnt something in my last therapy session – that this feeling of being boring to someone is more deeply rooted in a feeling of being a burden. It might seem a bit theoretical, but something about it rings true. So I’m noting it for future reference. It definitely explains why I don’t want to reach out to someone when I’m going through stuff. And since I’m pretty much “going through stuff” all the time, that rules out any friendship that has a chance to go deeper.

I am in a deep hole of loneliness. I felt depressed most of the weekend with the only respite being after a nice walk in today’s afternoon sun. I have my prescription of anti-depressors sitting in my back, but I’m avoiding going there. I keep on hoping that this phase of panics will just end.

It feels like she hates me. Which may just be because I hate myself. Or maybe I also hate her – this new age stuff that she is so attached to is alien to me, and she’s right, there’s not much point of contact in that. Not that we have much point to find out if there is a future – we have virtually no time for each other.

I definitely hate the way she is so preaching about being a centered person without exaggerated emotions. I am the exact opposite so you’ll forgive me for getting the impression that she hates me. She definitely hasn’t hidden her belief that I’m just wallowing in anxieties and that I should be able to pull myself out of it, just like that. If you ask me, she’s in such denial of her own fear and lack of empathy. But there’s no point throwing that back at her – she’ll just accuse me of having too much of the traditional therapies. She actually got angry at our 5 year old daughter who spent the day crying because she missed her friend who stayed overnight for the first time – first time also that a friend stayed the night we her. I can understand getting a bit frustrated, but she actually gets angry because she’s expecting Z to be more centered and see that everything is ok. There’s nothing worst than new age idealism. It’s like a rejection of our human nature. At least in her case, it looks more and more like she uses it to justify her denial to feel all the “negative” emotions. I hate it when she talks this way, which is becoming more and more since she started with this group a year ago. I’m the opposite – I just want people to talk about the way they feel. I don’t want what she and her sister keep on doing – talking slogans in a language that is not even their own. They are completely infatuated with gurus, which if you ask me, doesn’t show a lot of centeredness.

To conclude, I wanted to jot down another reminder. Which is where she is right – I should grow a center. When anxiety comes, either in the car or in a queue, what I search for is a connection. Generally a connection can pull me back to reality. What I see is just how I’m not enough for me – I have no idea about how to be alone with myself. Self-love. My great short coming.